Thursday, October 8, 2009

"Thou Shalt not Covet"

I am a firm believer in the Ten Commandments, but what did Moses know about iPods? I don't imagine that Aaron had a second generation iTouch that he was constantly waving in front of Moses' face. Surely the children of Israel wouldn't have had to wander in the wilderness for 40 years if they had had the Google Earth or mapquest application to tell them how to get to the promised land. Maybe they wouldn't have had such a problem with the food that the Lord provided for them if they had been able to google: "101 mouth-watering manna meals: how to convert your food from God to food for Gods". Would wandering in the wilderness really have been that bad if the Children of Israel could have played guitar hero every night to Psalm 118? No way, life couldn't have been better. Obviously since Moses had never known about iPod Touches, there was no way that he would have (note it is would have, not could have) included the 2nd Generation iPod Touch in this command to not covet anything that is our neighbors, right?

Tyler, my roommate, has but one fault. He actually has an iPod touch. Yeah. He has his own. I know what you are thinking: how is that a fault? Simple: Tyler in having this iPod causes me to commit sin. Not on purpose, of course. He is like a beautiful women. Its not her fault that she is pretty, but what happens to guys when we see beautiful women? We lose our minds! Not that we need them (our minds) when dealing with gorgeous girls or any girl for that matter, for any "well-thought-out" decision that seems logical to us will surely not make any sense to the female mind. Unfortunately for us, there is currently no iPod app available for purchase that we can download that will help us with this problem. The trouble is, it would have to be written by a Female, and that would never work, because by the time the program was written she would have changed her mind and would have to re-write the application, thus making it out-dated before it was even dated (pardon the dating pun).

I digress.

What is a guy to do? Not only do I have girl problems, but I have Tyler practically prancing around with his iPod. I look over at him right now, and I can't help but admire the way the light pleasantly plays off of his face from his Fireplace app (it actually emits real heat!). Its like this every day. If he isn't listening to classic Disney soundtracks and singing along with them at the top of his lungs, he is challenging us to Guitar Hero right in the palm of his hand. Doesn't he know what he is doing to us all? Does he ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe we don't all have access to pointless little games and applications right at our fingertips? I mean sure, I have a "computer" oh yeah. Reeeall cool. Yeah, I have "musical instruments". Sure, I can listen to music on an iPod "classic". But why should I have to? Who wants to play games on a big fancy 17 inch screen when they could be playing on one that is 3.5"? Why should I waste my time with a $3000 saxophone when I could be using the ocarina app? And who wants to carry around a device that is -get this- 3/4 of a centimeter wide, when I could be carrying one that is 8 mm thin! What do they think that I am, made of pocket space? Now I look back at him, and his once pleasing bone structure under the flickering light of the fireplace looks more sinister than sweet, more fiendish than friendly.

Could life have gotten worse?

"Jory, guess what I bought today?"
Things got worse.

"Jon, if it is an iPod touch, I hate you".

"hate away, my friend".

How dare he call me a friend. Doesn't he know what he was doing to me? The agony that I go through every single minute of every single day, when at every turn, something reminds me of Tyler, and in turn that reminds me that I don't have what he has? I go to a wooded area on campus to be alone, to be away from technology, until I realize that everywhere around me there are things that are not straight like a stick, but are in fact, sticks, and what do I think of? Tyler. I see statues, and I hug them because I know that they don't have iPods and I hug them for this very reason and what happens? They don't hug back. They just stand there cold and heartless, completely devoid (not to mention incapable) of emotion, not returning the hug. What do I think of? Tyler. And then? iPods. I don't have one. Tyler does. I don't. Tyler does.

Now Jon has one too?

Knowing that life would be unbearable from henceforth and forever without a precious to call my own, I did the only thing that I could do. I logged on to eBaY and weighed my options. Should I hold out for a 16 gig, or could I really do without it? Did I really need to be able to fit 8,000 more songs? No. besides, the 8 gig came with free shipping. As fast as anyone has ever double-clicked a mouse before, I clicked. I triple clicked. I clicked as fast as my stubby fingers could go, and I bought that iPod, darn it. I bought it real good.

Take that, Jon.


"Hey Jon, guess what I bought"? I said, smugly, very surely satisfied with myself.


"...Jory, now would be a good time to tell you that I didn't buy an iPod, I bought a book..."


Jon obviously has more faults than Tyler.


  1. For the record, I do not have the fireplace app. However, reading this post kind of makes me want to check it out...

  2. Jory, you have one of finest posts I have read and this is from one who will very likely never own an ipod touch, or whatever you call it, so take that for what its worth.

  3. I like that you said "he is like a beautiful women"
    you rock :)

  4. Bahahaha this was just too funny. *sigh* you guys are awesome

  5. And (Jory) why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

  6. Haha! "Pleasantly played..." Jory, try all you like, but you will never approach the astounding apex of awe-inspiring, all-altering, absolutely appalling alliteration that always accompanies my amusing adages.

  7. Oh Jory. My favorite comment was the one about you hugging the statues on campus. I sure hope that it wasn't the indian in front of the library. Although it wouldn't surprise me...