Thursday, July 1, 2010

Ridiculous facts

Three of us have Netflix memberships.

We have at least 2 FULL and COMPLETE sets of dishes, yet we only use trashy DI plates, the origin of which no one knows.

We tilled our garden this spring, but never planted it.

A man named Jesus took our mountain of junk (which we cleaned out of the garage when we moved in) to the dump in exchange for...well...contraband. 

Guilty pleasure: showering by candlelight.

We discovered that an unidentified Mexican had been sleeping on our couch for a few weeks only after he sleepwalked into our rooms in the middle of the night babbling about men who were trying to kill him.

We have more kitchen gadgets than you will get at your wedding reception no matter how many items you register.

We found a 4-slice toaster in a box in a suitcase under the basement stairs behind the refrigerator.

We use that toaster now instead of the toaster that came with the house or the one under my bed or the one upstairs...

We have an unopened, unused, brand new microwave...also under the basement stairs behind the refrigerator.

Our bathroom is bright purple.

Jon the fish has an unbreakable will to live.

There are secret doors in our attic. We don't know what's behind them.

Our swamp cooler doesn't work. We run it anyway.


Sunday, April 4, 2010

The Fear of God > The Fear of Jory

Not very long ago, while serving together in the Provo UT LDS temple, my roommate approached me after we were finished and said: "Jory...I think I want to get a gym membership".

Now, in order to fully appreciate the import of such a statement, an appropriate amount of background must be given:

I have had a membership at Gold's Gym since August 2007. Throughout the duration of my membership, I have tried diligently in vain
from the beginning to get this very very good friend of mine to work out with me. Literally almost every day I have said: "Tyler, you would really like it...and I could REALLY use a regular work-out partner". "Not a chance" has been his consistent reply, often cutting my rhetoric off in mid-sentence with his carefully constructed and perfectly polished realistic rebuttals. "I just can't afford it right now". "Whatever man" I would argue, "You make more money than I do-you just have to plan it into your budget" or, "just give plasma once per month and you could afford it. One time per month..." Unfortunately, up until this point, the only thing that Tyler was more afraid of then exercise was needles. Lucky for me, the only thing that Tyler is more afraid of then needles was me, and this time I had the Lord on my side.

So, now that the groundwork is laid, we return to our hero in the locker room of the Provo Temple.

"Tyler" I heavily sighed. "Now is not the time to toy with me. I don't want to joke around right now". Grabbing me by the shoulders and looking me square in the eye (luckily, I was standing on a step at the time), my old friend said to me: "No, dude" (he recently has started to say 'dude' a lot...I think he got it from his recent addiction to ABC's Lost. [I wouldn't know, because I am not really hip to the scene these days, I don't know what the kids are into])...he said. "I really mean it. That's all I could think about the whole time I was in there". I just eyed him warily, trying to figure out where he was going with this, and prepared myself for the worst. "Sure thing, Tyler" I casually said, brushing him off in a similar fashion as he had been brushing me off for all of these years. "Now outta my way...I have to get changed". "Jory...I'm serious". Not allowing myself to be disappointed, I rolled my eyes and walked by him to by stall where I finished changing.

"Do it right now". I said in the car on the way home. "Lets go the gym right now and get you signed up" (two can play at this game, I thought. We will see how serious he is...we will see). "Whoa, whoa whoa" he said. "Ha" I thought to myself. "Caught you". "Whats the most bare-boned, basic package that you can get?" He asked. I proceeded to instruct Tyler about the ins and outs of Gym membership options and various packages that you could choose from, all the while trying to maintain a "who cares" attitude. "OK, lets go" he said. I glared at him. How could he do this to me? What a cruel joke! Surely he knew what he was putting me through...getting my hopes up and all, and we had just spent the morning in the Temple, of all places! So, in our borrowed roommate's car (note that I mean a car which belongs not to us, but to our roommate, and not a car which belongs to a borrowed roommate) I hastily drove us (and I mean hastily. After all, if this was actually going to happen, I felt that I had a very limited window of opportunity in which to strike) up University Parkway to Gold's Gym (we actually attend the one on 9th east, but I know a guy who gave me a really good deal on my own membership who works at the one in Orem. If any haggling was to be effectively done, it would be done the best in Orem). Shaking my head in disbelief, I see the guy and motion him over half-heartily, for the first time allowing myself to even dare to hope. We exchange pleasantries for a few minutes, then we got down to business. After several minutes of light-to medium haggling, the man who at first inquired about the "most bare-bones inexpensive package available", walks out of the gym with a 2-year "VIP" membership, which includes a session with a personal trainer, and unlimited tanning. Don't bother to re-read that last sentence-you read it right. Unlimited Tanning. Tyler Smith. With a tan. All the time.

So that was two weeks ago. You are probably wondering how things have been going. Great! Tyler is doing terrific, and has gone with me every single morning, only missing last Saturday because of previous commitments. He is working hard and seems to be enjoying himself. My only complaint is being the appointed one to force-feed Protein shakes to him morning after mourning, a ritual which he affectionately refers to as "drink poison". Gosh . I feel like Harry Potter when he has to force Dumbledore to drink (as per his own instructions, mind you) an entire basin of potion in order to obtain the horcrux, so carefully concealed by he-who-must-not-be-named. know that life is good when that is the only thing that you have to complain about.

Friday, March 26, 2010


So I'm the new guy.

I feel like I'm the new character entering a foreign world, or the dude entering the show in it's second season. I'm Lando Calrissian joining the Rebel Alliance, Desmond Hume becoming a member of the Flight 815 survivors, Andy Bernard transferring to the Scranton Branch, Gullum/Smeagal offering to be a guide into Mordor, Buzz Lightyear trying to fit in with all the toys, J becoming a member of the M.I.B., Jake Sully replacing his twin brother by using his Avatar, Po the Panda training with the Furious Five, or Harry Potter learning the wizarding ways.

I've done the best I can so far. I bought the paint we used to paint downstairs. I have fallen in love with Betos food. I listen to as much jazz as I can stand. I plan everything with google calendars. I try to share as much food as I can. I'm practicing the different laughs that are common among these people here. I'm starting to glare at people more often. I even bought an iPod Touch so that I could fit in with all the guys!

But no matter what I do, I'm always one step behind.

Jory convinced Tyler to buy a Gold's Gym membership for the next two years. What the heck!?! I can't afford that right now after moving out, buying a tuba, and buying an iPod Touch! I don't even like exercise! Now they go every morning to go work out and then they come home and drink this nasty protein drink; all without me. I'll never never really fit in here. I'll always be that other roommate with the black and red room and the Slytherin outfit.

But you know what? I like it. I enjoy being in the background. I don't like being the spotlight all the time. I can kind of just sit back and enjoy the show. And trust me, there's plenty to witness in the House of Blues.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Bruce's (Employee at Western Farms) Last day on the job...

I have had the privilege of playing in the BYU Wind Symphony this last semester. I played Saxophone in the Wind Symphony for one semester back in 2007, and have been playing Clarinet in the Symphonic band ever since. This has been a great experience, getting to play with this group. It is really a terrific band, and we have a director who is awesome-Dr. Don Peterson. We were invited to be featured at the "CBDNA" (Why? Because we are Mormon and we love acronyms). The CBDNA stands for the "College band Deoxyribonucleic acid" [joke]. Ha ha ha, I just laughed at my own joke (which I need, apparently, as you [all] know, there will likely be a very very small sampling of people who will actually take the time to read this).
In all seriousness, "CBDNA" stands for the "College band director National association". Its one of those groups that with each name that you add to the title of the conference, you get more and more esoteric, until eventually nobody can be in it: "College...(OK, already cutting out a significant portion of the American Population) we are immediately narrowing this down. We take a group [college students] who are already more-or-less nerds in their own right, and select from amongthem the nerdiest nerds of them all [of which I am admittedly and happily one], the band kids)...directors...(need I say more? I really really want to, but I must hold back...basically you take these band kids [pardon the stigma]...and this is the guy [or girl]who is...their leader)...national association (they had to make it a national association because unless this was a national level group, they wouldn't have enough members for a significant meeting). Anyway, we were invited to perform for these guys in Reno, Nevada. Yeah. You take a sampling of all the "College Band Directors", and have us play for them. That makes us...well, I won't finish that sentence!


I served my mission for my church, (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints) in Tulsa, OK. For any of you that know me, I have many stories from my mission, many serious and sacred, and others of a lighter nature. I say this because I have seen, probably more than many, my share of weird, funny, random things.

Keep in mind that in addition to serving in rural Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Kansas, I am from a town in Wyoming that only has around 500 people (see: "Sidewalks and Streetlights" published on 24 November, 2009 in the highly popular and fadicious blog: "House of Blues" [] for more information) in it, and is often the subject of ridicule by those who are more learned or sophisticated than I.

With this in mind, we return to our Hero, who is at the time in question in the almost-backseat of the tour Bus.

So there we were, at a gas station in Reno, NV or thereabouts, and I am wandering around trying to find something to buy (not because I necessarily needed or wanted it, but because my friends had all gone inside, and they had given us each $60 to be spent at our own will). As it turns out, I was incredibly grateful for making that decision to "follow the crowd", for the following experience changed my life forever.

I found this:

Delighted, I obviously made my way straight to the front, and "demanded" to see the manager. The guy that I talked to looked at me and said dryly: "He is not here, besides that is something that you would have to take up with one of our distributors", to which I replied: "OK, is he here?"

He didn't find it quite as funny as I, but who ever does?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A plethora of painstakingly placed pieces of poetic prose.

We have adventures.

This may come as a surprise.

Some like them, some don't.

We realize this.



We really do. That's why we write this stuff down. We can accept it if people don't see the humor/appreciate the subtle references that we do, but for those that do, this is for you.

Pay attention.

It has definitely been a while since either Tyler or I have posted anything. Keep in mind that this is not a result of a shortage of wild and crazy experiences, for their have been many maniatic moments, mostly moments that most men may mistake for myths, as for their magniloquent messages and meanings (there you go, Tyler).
As far as unusual experiences go, there have been no shortage of them as of late in the House of Blues, as (2) which is more than (1), and infinitely more than (0) (which has been our previous track record) of our own have deserted us in search of a better life (whoso readeth, let him understand) with those of the opposite sex (both [2] of said persons have "interesting" stories concerning their "methods" of "espousal", about which entire blogs "might" be dedicated to in "hopes" of detailing the intricacies of their "own" "said" "stories" [note: that it is "said" stories, not "sad" stories...or is it?]). Upon losing the former (2) we have gained (2) and volumes could be written about those things which have subsequently transpired here in the House of Blues.
I will attempt to distract myself from writing about such topics at this time, and heretofore speak of other things, as perhaps the most exciting event ever has occurred, enabling me to entertain you even now (that is, through this post). This said event has quite possibly never come to pass despite our desperate attempts to disguise our disgust and discouragement with our constituents (that is to say, our "friends"). In all of our efforts to bring the joy which we find in the little things on a daily basis to you, by documenting our various adventures and doings, we don't think that we have ever had an experience such as this. "What experience could this be?" The loyal fan may ask. "Why, after experiences such as 'The Human Squeegee', 'Impromptu Cheese Party', 'Tyler Screams for Ice Cream', and many others, what could possibly happen to these zany characters which tops all others?"

I'll tell you what it was.

Somebody actually read our blog.



I know.

...and whats more...they liked it.

I know, I am as surprised as you.